Poll: What do you think of this?

Okay I didn't really read all of it, but I do have some advice stylistically speaking. Don't make your sentences so staccato. This style works for Bradbury and a lot of other authors, but they select where to put super short sentences carefully so they have the most impact on the reader. See if you can combine sentences to make it flow a little better, and put shorter sentences where more appropriate whether than every sentence. Best of luck to you!